BEING THE GYM DUNCE

We’ve all seen them. We all know who they are. But have you ever considered the dedication required to have the honour of gym dunce bestowed upon your head?

If your ambition is to be known as the go-to guy or gal with questionable workout choices and deeply irritating interactions, then congratulations — this is the guide for you.

Wear a lifting belt…for everything

Lifting belts aren’t just for heavy compound lifts — they’re a lifestyle choice. Why limit their use to squats and deadlifts when you could also wear one for bicep curls, lateral raises, or a gentle five-minute warm-up on the bike? Nothing says “serious athlete” like wrapping your midriff before loading the pec deck with 25kg. And there’s a bonus point if you leave it on while having a wander between sets, because not only is it a useful bit fo kit, it is also a fashion accessory.

Moan like you're giving birth

It’s often said that giving birth is the most pain a human can experience. But clearly that’s nonsense.

The firing of millions of nerve endings during childbirth pales into insignificance compared to what you’ve just endured half-repping a pair of 50s. It worked for Rich Piana, so it’ll work for you. Loud vocalisation lets everyone know you’re working harder than anyone else, and everyone else has a right to know that.

Running shoes for squatting

It's obvious really. Running shoes with their squishy soles and slabby side-walls provide the perfect platform for any successful squat, or deadlift, or any compound lift for that matter. Why forgo the luxury and stability of a solid-based powerlifter or a stiff heeled Merrell, why a Nike designed for a pavement provides the perfect counterpoint to any rubber-floored environment.

Never train legs.

What am I saying, you should never train legs. Only a fool would divert precious blood supply away from where it’s needed most: your chest and biceps. That's why you'll need that lifting belt, to support the truly teutonic weight of your upper body.

Be the quad-less wonder. Let your chicken legs roam free, straight past the squat rack and over to the seated curl.

Max out on a curved treadmill, for precisely four seconds.

Nothing screams elite conditioning like jumping onto the curved treadmill, cranking it to full intensity, and immediately realising you have no idea how it works. That brief burst of Bolt-like acceleration, the slamming of your feet beating faster and faster, before lifting yourself using the rails, spreading your legs and abandoning ship, having drawn the attention of everyone within a six-mile radius.

That is what separates you from any of your common or garden treadmill users, who waste their time on cardio. Yuk.

Do muscle-ups. Constantly.

Why develop well-rounded strength when you could dedicate your entire existence to one exercise that looks impressive and annoys everyone else?

Muscle-ups are perfect because they allow you to demonstrate athleticism, gymnastic prowess, and a complete indifference to spatial awareness — all while occupying a rig for far longer than necessary.

Bonus points if your form deteriorates dramatically after the first rep, but you keep going anyway. Injuries are temporary. Validation is forever.

Group therapy

The gym is the ideal place to loudly unpack your personal life. Forget the therapist coach. Gather your mates around a bench, or cable machine, or just a convenient aisle and begin a detailed discussion of your romantic prospects, work grievances, and deeply held opinions. Blocking multiple pieces of equipment, preventing those who feel time and workout-planning are mere concepts so loud you can be heard from the car park, and you will gather a greater crowd than Jesus at the Feeding of the Five Thousand.

Share everything.

Why stop with your life story? Why not add to the excitement of everyone’s day by forgetting to cover your mouth when you unleash that month's latest disease, or let a tsunami of sternutation loose over the nearest stack. Your diseases have already survived your immune system, so why not give them a chance with everyone else's. Community is important.

Slamming

You’ve reached the end of a set. You've struggled through those last few reps, going redder than a brothel’s fire alarm. Clearly it was the weight's fault. So slam those weights down. Who cares where they land? Feet, phones, and nearby joints are someone else’s problem. People deserve to know you’ve done something. Quietly re-racking weights shows weakness. And you are strong. Everyone’s heard that.

Getting those extra steps in

We all know 10,000 steps is the magic number. Getting those daily steps in can be a real pain. So after slamming , get wandering. Take a slow victory lap around the gym. People want to see their inspiration. Check your reflection in every mirror — that’s why they’re there.

After all, if you don’t admire yourself, who will?

Being the gym dunce is no mean feat. But if you follow these steps consistently, you too can become a cautionary tale whispered about for months in locker rooms and group chats.

Train hard. Train loud. Train proud.

And remember: if everyone’s looking at you, you must be doing something right.

P.S. If you’ve read this and thought “well, that’s not me” — it probably is.